I've been thinking about FEAR because I feel it, I'd say, 95% of the time, at least a little bit. A sense of FEAR seems to be perpetually looming. Both its presence and its absence come in waves. The FEAR waves just permeate less suddenly, and for longer.
hello i am either FEAR or no FEAR!!!!!!!!!
In the past two days, FEAR has turned from a feeling to an explicit thought. FEAR has ceased soaking the background of my consciousness and is now dripping in a puddle of its own pee downstage. FEAR is wet; like liquid, it pours. And recently, FEAR has been soaking up the spotlight–and is able to be seen through, for now.
Flows of FEAR are usually followed by an ebb; now they are consciously monitored, analyzed, deliberated. Part of this temporary change, I think, was inspired by Liz Garbus' documentary, What Happened, Miss Simone? I had heard about the flick for a while, and decided to see for myself what all the speculation was about. I am not going to make the space here for the discussion that her life and legacy deserve, but I recommend that you watch the doc.
FEAR is also centerstage, downstage to Garbus' investigation into the musician's life and career. It is often humbling to remember that FEAR affects most people, even those who seem to have no reason to fear anything at all.
Maybe that's the relationship! I thought. Maybe it's as direct as that:
freedom = no FEAR.
The absence of FEAR leads to freedom; freedom is only experienced in the absence of FEAR.
In appreciation of the human ability to THINK about THOUGHTS, I wrote a little thing:
what I could do if I had no fear!
how would i do it?:
extract the amygdala there are two and they are almonds but especially on the right
side
rip it out
with the fear of anaphylaxis from the one allergic
to tree nuts.
FEAR ancestors who were fearful lived by skirting
situations and saying 'that does not seem safe' while hiding
in caves.
but we are safe! we are safe in piles of laundry
still with this fear of having
nothing to put it into nothing
to promise a ripping out of.
it comes to malaise
I BECOME the cave.
think about my strange position!:
I am not the one seeking shelter;
I am not the predator;
I am the cave!
just standing and people
may visit. looking
for something.
i may see threat growing
from the outside!
but i am standing
and i do not know how big I am.
I'm hoping to turn this stream of consciousness into a poem, but I believe that streams of consciousness are poems, too.
This blog helps me face fear. By writing, I challenge fear with words. Every time I sit down to write a post, my syntax is shaking; I'm afraid that my points can't be articulated due to some inherent incapacity to communicate.
But this is communicating.
I would like to think that the feeling will go away, that this will all get easier. Maybe for things to 'get easier', I will need to look straight through FEAR; maybe FEAR will go away when I look straight through it; maybe staring through what I don't want to even THINK about leads to freedom.
If that 5% of the time that I don't feel FEAR is freedom, I could quantify its existence by assessing if, somehow, the FEAR waves begin to ebb 6%, 10%, 50% of the time.
If I could have that, half of my life, no fear.
If you are soaking in fear, try soaking bread instead. Ready for french toast, love?
VEGAN FRENCH TOAST RECIPE.
IN CAPITALIZED COURIER TYPEFACE.
LET ME TELL YOU,IT ALL BEGINS WITH A BANANA IN SOYMILK AND FEAR.
this recipe does, anyway.
VEGAN FRENCH TOAST ON A SUNDAY.
INGREDIENTS:
-2 slices of hard, stale bread that you were about to throw away before you saw this. (I used wimpy bread. I should have used hard, stale bread. There's where the name comes from, after all: pain perdu, or "lost bread".)
-1 nanner (banana yeh)
-1 cup soymilk or whatevermilk.
-cinnamon, vanilla extract, and nutmeg to taste.
PROCEDURE:
1.) Pour whatever walk of milk you have in a blender or food processor. I used a nutribullet and am lucky to have one.
2.) Tear your nanner in 3 or 4 pieces and drop them in that lovely pool of whatevermilk. I feel like "tear" is not apt for describing what I advise you do to the banana.
3.) Sprinkle cinnamon and nutmeg in there, too.
4.) Blend all that up in your handy machine.
hah! get it? handy?
5.) Pour that mixture into a bowl and dip your (not wimpy) bread into it.
+
wimpy bread from Wegmans.
=
6.) Pour oil or butter in a pan. Remember to keep it vegan if you want to keep this recipe vegan. Vegetable oil, canola oil, and butter are good alternatives to animal products.
have no fear! the wimpy bread soaked it up already!
